AND SULK AND SLUMBER

I think I was reaching

For the vegan spring rolls

When I said it

“She’s a prostitute man”

Eyes aimed down

Old school-frown

I have to smirk

And grin

Cause if I don’t

I just might break into

Tears

Three years of fears

Closing in on me

Close to using I ask

Myself before he can

How much more of this

Can I with stand

Before my disease

Gets the upper hand

And sends me back

To front row land

Start throwing sand

In the air

No sand castles

Just plumes of dirt and dust

Fucking boundaries

Between lust and love

Lost in the middle

Of a thrust and a shove

Working so hard on so many levels

Of my life

Yet it’s you in the night

Who I want to be next to

The woman I have known for years

All the tears from the world

Splatter, splash and smear

And run off the umbrella

You cover me near

Never needing to grow

I can just sow

And sulk

And slumber

A whole year of December

In your arms

This winter barn

Miracle charm

Only been since Friday

And already I miss your arms

Your hips at my side

Those little waking eyes

In the morning

Asking me how do I feel

Man, I’ll tell you how I feel

Alone and deserted

Spiritually alerted

That I deserve to love myself

The way I have been trained

Knowing and accepting

That the best for me is beyond

This tiny rock of solitude

That I keep choosing

To stay afoot

So let’s just say a foot

Or two closer

Is just maybe a little too

Close for you and me

Because when you’re in the room

My whole world goes boom

And then it’s gone

It’s just me and you and your thong

And all I want is between those thighs

South American eyes

When you run your fingers

Through my hair and rub my ears

I might as well be five years

Old and full of preschool tears

The way mommy used to put me down

That’s the way I feel when

I come home and you’re around

But you see

I came home tonight

You see

And your no where to be found

Probably a few drinks down

A couple pills and a little town

Thousands of miles

Stretched between you and me

And money, and years, and men

Clients and gears

Shifting, paths drifting

Away, further

We stray

I am saddened to say

That when one door closes

Another one opens

Cause here’s hoping

That this new season

Gives me the joy and the reason

To jump out of my little black box

This small little chicken pox

Of a room I keep walking into

Not the body or the hair

The right words

The perfect stare

I want the woman who won’t let go

The woman who can’t say no

To integrity, self respect

Never expecting a check

For something that she didn’t feel

Completely right about

So let me do my own about face

So let me do my own without a trace

Just skip up and out of place

Learned enough

But now clear

The only game I’m playing

Is Truth or Dare

With loving eyes you share

And I no longer need to use

Even when I want to

Cause I already learned

A new way to live

There’s never a reason

To back peddle and skiv

Along the shores of the past

Cause like the tattoos

On my forearms

Today I bear the arms

Of a man who’s walked through flames

I walked through fire

And I walked through

Pain, and even though

I miss my Street Fame

That shit’s changed

And I’ll never be the fucking same

And even through this rough patch

Of briar’s brush

I refuse to keep these wounds a hush

Cause I know it’s the secrets

That’ll take me down

So I tell you what

I’m going through

I share this pain with you again

So I can dip this soft green spring roll

And look you in the eyes

And tell you man, yes I have stepped

Aside, that man, I’m using again

And this time is hurts

She’s been gone for five days

And I’m going through with drawls

My heroin

My heroine

Man I’m going through with drawls

And I don’t like this space

Like the 405 any time of day

This game I just don’t want to play

I want to feel the love that I deserve

I want to be the man that I insure

Every time I kneel down on my knees

And pray

Every day when I bless myself this way

Please god I am asking you tonight

Please give me the courage

And the strength to make it through

Another night

Alone

Cause I don’t want to use

I don’t want to pick up

Whether it’s a pipe

Or whether it’s you

Cause just like your job

Pays you

Man, I sure pay the price

Every time I spend the night

Laying in bed next to you

It just hurts to be without you

Like sugar to a diabetic

Thirty six days without you is hectic

And then add on to the fact

That you’re just the same

As new comers and prostitutes

Small cities, small parachutes

Might as well jump off a barstool

And try and fly

They way I limit myself

With these lies

Why not pick a bigger cliff

Why not pick a brighter sky

Why not pick anything

Besides just getting high

Shape shifting

And face lifting

What in the world am I thinking

I am just barely learning

To love myself

Let alone

Trust in this wealth

That now surrounds me

In every angle of the room

The perfect job

The perfect gloom

Figure and health

Long hair and bedroom eyes

Now if I can just

Get out of my own way

I think I feel some new character

Emerging and trying

To fill this empty room

No need to wait

For the next rainy day in June

I think I’ll just stop, center myself

Sit here and bloom

ONE DAY IN OCTOBER

And the rain

She came to me again finally

Waited all year to feel this wet

Waited all year just hear your dance

The puddles muddle

As I mumble the words

Of romance

Driving slow

The whole world brake lights

Every corner in Los Angeles

Seems to flood in an instant

These memories of life

Inside my head

In an instant

So filled

Falling asleep to the rain

Something of love

Something so soothing

The calming way

The sky cries

The tears of the gods

Plummet to my face

The tears of the world

Cleansing this place

Oh winter this way she comes

THE WAY THE SHOVEL FALLS

And so I feed again

The way it comes

Sometimes I don’t even ask

Are they tests

Or gifts?

She brings them to me

For reasons I can’t grasp

The way the shovel

Falls to my hands

 

Laying here naked

I pant away

Smoking my pipe this old way

Still using after all these years

Trading powder for thighs

The lighter is your eyes

The black satin sheets

An ocean of escape

 

Laying here

Drifting

Floating away

Even if it is just for a few moments

 

Doesn’t matter what your name is

You have no name

You’re just another plot

You’re just another pot

Hole in the road

Traveling towards tomorrow

Lost in space

And lost in time

Guess I just had too much on my mind

Today

 

Another reason to escape

Another tragic date

These bodies just pile

Another reason to hate

The way they all come and go

Feeling myself yearning

Feel the whole world burning

To make some kind of personal change

 

Some kind of worldwide pain

This bedroom has seen too many

Hands touched by thousands

A heart only touched by few

Guess I’m still just tucking away

These distant memories of you

RESEAL EVERTHING

This city’s killing us

Can’t you see it

Smothering laugh lines

Between you and me

Can’t you see

The river rising so high

Creaking at the wooden beams

In the dead of the night

The house sleeps

As our dreams, they wander

 

Last week you were cocked and loaded

This week I don’t get a response

The finicky way of Venus

Never understanding your ways

Just the way your hips gyrate

Through the room

I stay mesmerized

 

Kill the lights tonight

Keep us separated by street signs

And flashing lights

All through the night

Between us

So many miles leaped up

Can’t you see

This city‘s killing us

 

Haunting my sleep with the voice

Someone I can’t seem to see

Thoughts of just living this life

With me

I got your politely written letter

Probably sponsor approved

Dotted I’s and perfectly crossed T’s

Letting you rest with your exit

From me

Letting your self close the door

From your side of the room

 

Something I have never been to good at

Learning from you even in the end I do

I guess this relationship is through

 

Finding a roach on the counter

I scour as I walk in the dark

Spraying and wiping away

Reminding me to leave a note

For the maintenance man

To come and reseal everything

 

Life’s metaphor for boundaries

Resealing all the gaps

Between sex and friends

Between sex with friends

Between ex’s and men

Finding myself learning to say no

And feeling okay with it

 

Lets just move forward

Last night in prayer

On my hands and knees

Back row of the sweat

Drenching at the heat

Feeling the drums beat

The Indian song depletes

Wash the summer

Praying our life complete

Letting go

And letting god

Take us away

 

As long as I share this with the world

I seem to keep on okay

Letting all beneath these scars

Keeping me clean

Away from those jail bars

I travel the same way I headed

Into the night

Floating

Flying

Aiming with all my might

Traveling through

Feeling the Fall

On the tips

My fingers

 

They reach for you

Oh winter take this pain away

Just like last year

Wash it all away with your winds

Rinse me down the street

For this city

It’s killing us

BUT LIKE MY MOTHER

Hurting so bad

Touching your skin

Such sin

When your lips

Touch mine

 

Chemicals release inside my brain

Spectrums of electricity must

Jump from neuron to neuron

Collapsing memory pods

From years before

 

The storm you bring to mind

The clouds billowing in time

God your eyes burn through

The core of my existence

Every time I see the little kid

Inside of you

 

Driving your million dollar machine

Touching you so insane

The most giant softest lips

Of all time

You’ll never be mine

Why can’t I just turn and walk away

Knowing the barbwire is just too much

To take when the spikes crush my hands

Bleeding palms

 

Fleeing pawns

The characters of my life

Will surely run and cry when I damage them

Surely it will just hurt too bad

To walk away so many times

From you

 

I must come to you again

To see in the light

Just give me one more memory tonight

Risking the lessons I know to be true

Insanity with you

God you drive me so crazy

But it’s still so wrong

Why can’t I just sing this song

And let it slide like

The rocks that want to crumble

 

Standing under this humble

Still mumbling when I walk away

Watching your face in the distance

I see the woman I wish I could hold

But like my mother

I just never could reach you

I never got enough

And sand paper is too rough

To rub across your legs

Bleeding from the head

Mentally aching

 

I miss the sound of your voice

Calling my name in the sheets

Perfect sleep

A perfect heap of flesh

We make when we lay this way

Something about our brown skin

That just makes sense

Yet there’s nothing easy

About you and me

 

Forging through

Our own eternities

Still alone

Searching for love

And searching for one

Something with someone

Something worth meaning

God you’re so good

At leaving me

Quick snap and your gone

Never believing you

Yet this time I must let go

For I know too much

This time around

To pretend otherwise

 

A fool in love

A cool black glove

To cover my hands

When I lift weights

Some cool black skin

To cover my face

When I have to lift you away

Somehow

Life will take us away

 

For my love

My Christina

There will be a time

When I must allow myself

To fly away

THE CHILD INSIDE

Dead sea scrolls

Once I read

Along the swift currents

Of the red sea

Pounding so hard

The salt in the air

Waiting for you to come home

The fantasy well grown

Years of thought waves

Hating mopping the kitchen floors

So many boxes to put away

Closets full of clothes

Never worn anymore

 

With my eyes closed

I call your name

As my eyes

They get weaker

So much quicker reaching

For my glasses

The jewelry just seems to grow

On my arms with the ink

Tattoos of memories

And milestones

Sometimes it’s so hard

To just not think

 

 

Sometimes it’s so hard

To quiet the mind

Keeping focused and excited

A daily goal I reach

The checkered flag

Waves inches in front of my face

Every day a new experience

I meet

 

Pondering a life away

Waking through tall cities

Buildings

The size of mountains

Wondering

Where my wife is tonight

Crossing the oceans of history

Flashing the scenes

Of fallen civilizations

Romanticizing

A well earned death

Curiosity of that barrel

The final click

And just a mess

 

The sun rising over the pyramids

Reaching for the stars

Our society of swollen

Hearts and packed filled bars

Cars crashing, babies are born

Let the birds fly south

For the winter

As I go deeper

Inside

 

For another hundred years

I go deeper

Inside

CLOSED EYE SWAN DIVE

heat rises in the bedroom

like water about to boil

air thick with your panties

lip gloss on my pillows

the dead of the night

desert heat

we stir on top of these sheets

white cotton covers your tail

lips and arms frail

some distant thought of jail

reach for the blinds to crack the glass

lets some cool air pass

something to stir this wave

of heat and salve this room

full of love ready to bloom

just water this plant

no need to wait and see

everyone’s watching

waiting for you and me

to say something

to each other

to the world

make some sort of statement

with this bed we have made

so many times your head

in my arms I lay

on top of you like a hunter

writhing deeper together

like bumper

cars

we bump thighs and legs

jogging we sweat

highs and edges

of cliffs we climb

paying mantra’s

through time

together playing

like the children we once were

watching the traffic speed by

feel the kiss of summer

in the corners of my eyes

suppose I could just let go

this rope burn start to slowly

heal

as the string takes to the sky

watch my little red balloon fly

and let go of something called comfort

letting myself go

falling over the cliff

knowing

willing to fall

with nothing there to catch me

and not a care in the sky

THE CHANGING SEASONS OF MY LIFE

Old spindles paint the sky

All projections from the times before

Colored floors

Glances from strangers eyes

Little Mexican girls jumping around

The girl with long coal hair

Down the isle leans back

To pour water down her throat

Business men finger fucking blackberries

Tourist scurry

At the sight of the next big scene

Hollywood can be such a dream

 

Down here under the city heat glare

Tunnels that stretch so far

From decades before

Plotted and planned

The city of angels landed

Long before I ever thought

Of any of this

 

My train arrives like an airplane

Screaming down the tube

Squeeling brakes

Just the moment it takes

To step inside

These sliding glass doors

 

Linoleum chocolate

Cupcake floors

Strangers scattered like litter

There’s a man

Passed out

Head bouncing gently on the glass

Priority seating for seniors

And disabled

Immediately I’m stabled

Into upside down bar stools

Hanging from the ceilings

The loud-speaker mumbles

In seconds I’m humbled

At the sight of our public transportation

 

Takes me back to Europe in a flash

Dancing through Paris with cash

Was just like a dream

I remember 19

Holding hands next to the Seine

With you

 

The tunnels curve past western

I’m back in the mountains of Lucerne

Watching the enormous rocky skyline

Pushing into a long summer

What a bummer

I haven’t been across the pond

In almost a decade

 

I used to promise I’d make it

No matter what the trouble or glory

Nothing else to worry

About

With a back pack and my poems

Women, wine and the open road

A whole new world to discover 

Again

On my own

 

Back in my zone

People are leaving

While my hips just shift with the brakes

Making great time I see

The journey has been so good to me

This morning just thinking

It’s not about the destination

But the things I see along the way

The friendships people make

The colors and textures

Of distant days

Taking it all in

This lifetime I wander

An artist

Recording everything I cross

 

Your face

The sun settling into place

Another dimension

Of time and space

So much stimulation

Such a vibration

Shifting to higher plane

Even on this subway train

IN LIQUID FORM CREATING

The house creaks with age

Shutters closed

The paint chips away

When the wind

She blows so hard

Against the night

He stays inside

Just on the other side

Of the wall

Waiting

Until it is safe

To come outside again

 

This old tree once so grand

Now crooked and leaning

Leaves are a memory

And the monstrous roots

Of a giant, so long ago

Lay to rest upon

This dry scorched

Cracking desert lake bed

 

The knife so dull

Sharpening against leather

Back and forth

So monotonous, so skilled

Making hot sharp edges again

Perfecting the blade

To slice so true

To slice into you

The blade heals so well

If you just press it the right way

Letting the blood seep so fine

Mechanically divine

The power of humans

In liquid form

Creating the healing

Stealing the life away

So much to do in a day

 

Peeking out the house

Tip toeing through the blinds

Blinded by mid days heat

Biting down

The wood on my teeth wreak

Of your clothes

Something from the days passed

 

Knowing I have to leave the house again

To walk those roads outside

Watching, waiting, preparing

For anything that this crazy world

Just might throw my way

Pacing the line

Waiting for the right time

To jump back out

And get back on the road

Alone again

 

Never escaping my own head

Every day is a lonely bed

Been waiting for years

Maybe this time there is no going back

Maybe this time I won’t come back

To this old house

Rugged and torn

Beat down and worn

The shelter from this desert heat

Maybe this could be my last

Retreat

 

Maybe I should just keep moving

Maybe somewhere down the road

Alone out there in the world

Something

Someone

Is waiting for me

THIS SIDE OF THE LAKE

Midnight black sighs

Scream up to the sky

Caramel tight thighs

I’m not scared anymore

The girl with slanted eyes

Lets move into the next stage

The loft, the gate, the date

Night on Mondays

Kissing through Tuesdays

In the back of the room

Huddled like bread in a bag

In the dark

 

Lets just have fun today

Take my hand and let go

Of the stress of your day

Just for today we can be in love

For the whole day

We can just hug

And roll around in bed

Let the world slip us by

In the streets

The cars

They just keep coming

 

Writhe up and down

These feelings

Like oil on water

There’s just nothing to bother

Me

When we melt together

When we ride the sheets

The way you stick out your tongue

So hot, the dark, the sweat

We meet like this

Infrequently, just as

We swing back into focus

 

Loving the way

Your jet-black hair

Falls all over my place

Slide your fragile hand down my face

Kiss these lips

Now aimed true

My ching-chang for you

Loving the moment

When I pull up in front

Of the house

And see you coming out

 

So beautiful to the eyes

So hard not to cover your thighs

With my leg

When we sleep

Even though you don’t like

To cuddle much

We can just double-dutch

This next song and be free

Free to be happy

Free to be you and free to be me

Accepting of you do me

 

My new best friend

Come

To this side of the lake

Look off into the horizon

There is something

I want you to see

Let us not be afraid

Of the unknown

It’s the only place left to go

It is truly the only place

Left for us to go