AND SULK AND SLUMBER

I think I was reaching

For the vegan spring rolls

When I said it

“She’s a prostitute man”

Eyes aimed down

Old school-frown

I have to smirk

And grin

Cause if I don’t

I just might break into

Tears

Three years of fears

Closing in on me

Close to using I ask

Myself before he can

How much more of this

Can I with stand

Before my disease

Gets the upper hand

And sends me back

To front row land

Start throwing sand

In the air

No sand castles

Just plumes of dirt and dust

Fucking boundaries

Between lust and love

Lost in the middle

Of a thrust and a shove

Working so hard on so many levels

Of my life

Yet it’s you in the night

Who I want to be next to

The woman I have known for years

All the tears from the world

Splatter, splash and smear

And run off the umbrella

You cover me near

Never needing to grow

I can just sow

And sulk

And slumber

A whole year of December

In your arms

This winter barn

Miracle charm

Only been since Friday

And already I miss your arms

Your hips at my side

Those little waking eyes

In the morning

Asking me how do I feel

Man, I’ll tell you how I feel

Alone and deserted

Spiritually alerted

That I deserve to love myself

The way I have been trained

Knowing and accepting

That the best for me is beyond

This tiny rock of solitude

That I keep choosing

To stay afoot

So let’s just say a foot

Or two closer

Is just maybe a little too

Close for you and me

Because when you’re in the room

My whole world goes boom

And then it’s gone

It’s just me and you and your thong

And all I want is between those thighs

South American eyes

When you run your fingers

Through my hair and rub my ears

I might as well be five years

Old and full of preschool tears

The way mommy used to put me down

That’s the way I feel when

I come home and you’re around

But you see

I came home tonight

You see

And your no where to be found

Probably a few drinks down

A couple pills and a little town

Thousands of miles

Stretched between you and me

And money, and years, and men

Clients and gears

Shifting, paths drifting

Away, further

We stray

I am saddened to say

That when one door closes

Another one opens

Cause here’s hoping

That this new season

Gives me the joy and the reason

To jump out of my little black box

This small little chicken pox

Of a room I keep walking into

Not the body or the hair

The right words

The perfect stare

I want the woman who won’t let go

The woman who can’t say no

To integrity, self respect

Never expecting a check

For something that she didn’t feel

Completely right about

So let me do my own about face

So let me do my own without a trace

Just skip up and out of place

Learned enough

But now clear

The only game I’m playing

Is Truth or Dare

With loving eyes you share

And I no longer need to use

Even when I want to

Cause I already learned

A new way to live

There’s never a reason

To back peddle and skiv

Along the shores of the past

Cause like the tattoos

On my forearms

Today I bear the arms

Of a man who’s walked through flames

I walked through fire

And I walked through

Pain, and even though

I miss my Street Fame

That shit’s changed

And I’ll never be the fucking same

And even through this rough patch

Of briar’s brush

I refuse to keep these wounds a hush

Cause I know it’s the secrets

That’ll take me down

So I tell you what

I’m going through

I share this pain with you again

So I can dip this soft green spring roll

And look you in the eyes

And tell you man, yes I have stepped

Aside, that man, I’m using again

And this time is hurts

She’s been gone for five days

And I’m going through with drawls

My heroin

My heroine

Man I’m going through with drawls

And I don’t like this space

Like the 405 any time of day

This game I just don’t want to play

I want to feel the love that I deserve

I want to be the man that I insure

Every time I kneel down on my knees

And pray

Every day when I bless myself this way

Please god I am asking you tonight

Please give me the courage

And the strength to make it through

Another night

Alone

Cause I don’t want to use

I don’t want to pick up

Whether it’s a pipe

Or whether it’s you

Cause just like your job

Pays you

Man, I sure pay the price

Every time I spend the night

Laying in bed next to you

It just hurts to be without you

Like sugar to a diabetic

Thirty six days without you is hectic

And then add on to the fact

That you’re just the same

As new comers and prostitutes

Small cities, small parachutes

Might as well jump off a barstool

And try and fly

They way I limit myself

With these lies

Why not pick a bigger cliff

Why not pick a brighter sky

Why not pick anything

Besides just getting high

Shape shifting

And face lifting

What in the world am I thinking

I am just barely learning

To love myself

Let alone

Trust in this wealth

That now surrounds me

In every angle of the room

The perfect job

The perfect gloom

Figure and health

Long hair and bedroom eyes

Now if I can just

Get out of my own way

I think I feel some new character

Emerging and trying

To fill this empty room

No need to wait

For the next rainy day in June

I think I’ll just stop, center myself

Sit here and bloom