FIFTEEN ADORNED

Sitting here thinking

December eleventh

I probably

Should be drinking

But that would be another story

And then this wouldn’t make

Much sense to me

Make more sense to me

This year, my life

The jar, every time

I shake it and step afar

Different colors shift

To stars, the smell

The memory always feels

Different, like books

That age, the pages

Wilt and fade, yet

Somehow even dead

Of the night, tonight

Your smile still burns

The way you wear

My jewelry, I can still

Feel your stare, you

Think of me too

And for that

I color us both blue

And spit these paint balls

Against the wall

Watching the way the colors bleed

Into my mouth

Passing your house

I can’t not; turn to think

Stop to stare

Sometimes I dare

I still want my share back

Part owner in this company

Looking through your

Pictures like

Pressing down

On broken glass

The pain of asking

The stain and masking

Tape to cover the seams

The places where I never

Painted your trim

Wondering if that purple

Still lives on

Smeared and sponged

I’m right here behind you

Hovered and lunged

Were both doing our hair

Pretending not to feel

Black tights paint your thighs

I can still see my son in your eyes

And I am afraid you just might

Too, a relapse for two

This season for you

Oh December, like

The wind and the glass

You cut me & my past

Shoveling us along

With the snow

I try to not let it show

But Cancer baby to the core

I can’t lie, I can’t ignore

The artist inside must

Bleed, I feel

I have taken the time to heal

I even stayed strong-

One year, no smoke babe

One year, still I choke-

Slaved

Wrapped in scarves, I brave

The new day

Walking forward I know

I must keep going

But it’s dam hard today

To not fall to my knees

And whimper

The ways I still wish it were you

Somewhere, deep in my mind

I’m still sitting here with you

My heart

On the porch keeping you warm

Making out like we’re fifteen

Adorned

Hoping

For nothing, except

Falling asleep to your charm

Waking up in your morning arms

The birds and the bees

The sun comes through the window

Even the sky looks the same

From your place

So close we live

Yet so far we stay

One year ago today

Just for a few minutes

I’ll let the pins and needles flank

Loving you

Sitting here blank

I remember

The eleventh of December